"If you wish to be loved, love."
Seneca
"To understand is hard. Once one understands,
action is easier."
Sun Yat-Sen
"You have heard it said, 'Love your neighbor
and hate your enemy.' But I tell you:
Love your enemies and pray for them."
Jesus
3.
THE CONFUSION AND PROMISE OF LOVE
Many people think they would enjoy the
refreshing pleasure of sailing their own boat. What
they often don't realize is that sailing doesn't just
happen; it requires knowledge, awareness, thinking,
and work. Furthermore, sailing isn't always a
refreshing pleasure; at times it can be frustrating
(when there's no wind) and sometimes it's frightening
(too much wind). But when it's done with the right
knowledge and perspective, sailing can be a wonderful
part of living. The same is true about love.
In our voyage through life, one of the most
important charts that we need to be accurate is the
one on how to navigate the course of love. Most
people would agree that the dilemma of love is the
most confusing aspect of our personal lives. It is a
paradox that if we want more love, we have to create
it in ourselves and then give it away. To add to the
confusion, there are also several different forms of
love.
Some people try to find success in love and are
repeatedly disappointed and frustrated; others give
up altogether and become bitter and pessimistic. The
main reason love causes such great difficulty is that
most people don't really understand what it is and is
not. A realistic understanding of love that promotes
well- being isn't something we are born with or that
develops without effort and struggle. To make love
work successfully requires overcoming the illusions
about it that are rampant in our culture, and then
developing the ability to apply real love in our
lives, especially during the difficult times.
Although it's often confusing and seems to cause many
dilemmas, love is still the most promising solution
to our problems.
In the dominant depiction of love that runs
throughout our culture, it is portrayed as a romantic
and/or thrilling event that is largely accidental.
There may be some struggle and distress involved, but
these factors are usually resolved with little
further evidence of difficulties; when the story is
over, it's like riding off into the sunset with most
of the struggle related to love left forever behind.
Most people would say they know love isn't like
that--yet many are still overwhelmed with disappoint-
ment when what they thought was love begins to
involve problems and struggle and effort.
This portrayal further fosters the illusion that
love will just happen if we are lucky enough,
sufficiently financially successful, or able to mold
ourselves into what we think makes us lovable. With
this goes the idea that if we can just find "the
right person," of which there is often said to be
only one, then love will require little effort.
FEELING VS. DOING
This common portrayal leaves out the essential
fact that love is an ability we need to learn and
then actively apply in our lives, and that it
inevitably requires continued effort.
There are many feelings which people associate
with love: desire, attachment, passion, domination
or submission, longing, security. Yet these feelings
are not love--they are feelings often associated with
love, but the activity of love is not a feeling; it
is something we do, and the highest demonstration of
it occurs when these feelings aren't present. Though
such love is usually demonstrated in more obscure
situations by many relatively unknown people, great
examples of it are the lives of Albert Schweitzer,
Mohandis Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Mother
Teresa of India.
In the Latin language, derived from ancient
Greek, the words "eros" and "agape" are used to
distinguish two types of love. Agape referred to love
that is spiritual, rather than sexual in nature,
while eros meant sexual love and the desire for
sex--in other words, lust. But in the progression of
language into today's English, such distinctions
have been lost. Unfortunately, instead of having two
distinct words to indicate lust versus love's
spiritual aspect, we are now more limited by a word
that often causes confusion.
Consequently how we define love is probably the
most important definition we have, for it enormously
influences our entire course of life. Therefore, for
the purpose of developing love, let us define it here
as: something we do that promotes the ultimate
well-being and development of whom we are concerned
about. With this definition love isn't something
that just
accidentally happens or is caused by luck, and it
isn't dependent on just finding the right person or
making ourselves appear desirable. Instead, it is an
ability that can be learned and refined through
awareness and practice.
LOVE OR BUSINESS
This active love is giving for the benefit of
another person, but without an expectation of
receiving something in return. It's an expression of
our ability to love, rather than an attempt to gain
something; we don't feel cheated or diminished if we
don't get something back in return.
If we give with the hope of getting some
compensation, it becomes more of a business
transaction. This can meet many of our important
needs, especially when the conditions are clarified
and agreed upon, but when disguised as love it easily
leads to bad feelings due to hidden, and often
unrealistic, expectations.
Giving without expecting compensation is also
more likely to promote love in those who receive
it--in this way it helps to produce more love.
Accordingly, if we give with hidden expectations,
these will usually surface later and interfere with
the promotion of love. If we love in a way that
doesn't produce more, this is an indicator that we
may be giving with some hidden expectation of meeting
our own needs, rather than giving out of real love.
To what extent our actions increase the overall
amount of love is an excellent standard for
evaluating and guiding our loving.
Furthermore, in many instances the most
significant giving is not of material things, but of
our essence, our inner self. There are some people
who are materially wealthy and share their wealth,
and yet they suffer an inner poverty due to the
inability to share their inner selves. When we share
our deepest feelings of joy and wonder, sadness and
fear, when we share our deepest thoughts and emotions
about living, we are giving the most fundamental part
of ourselves.
Through the ages an underlying message of the
major religions is that in each of us is the
potential to develop the dynamic ability to love, and
that this love is ultimately the best solution for
most of our problems. Real love enriches living
through sharing our appreciation for the wonders of
life: developing such appreciation and sharing it is
one of our most valuable opportunities.
BASIC INGREDIENTS OF LOVE
There are several forms of love, but each one
shares three key ingredients. Although the extent of
each ingredient varies according to the form of love,
they are always present to at least some degree.
The first ingredient could be called several
different names: awareness, knowledge, consciousness,
or empathy. Actually, it's a combination of all
these, but "understanding" is perhaps the most
inclusive. In addition, such understanding doesn't
mean just a rational knowledge, but also a
comprehension that transcends our rational thoughts
and goes into our feelings to make our existence more
complete.
The rational aspect of understanding is
necessary for us to survive and deal with the many
aspects of life, and it's invaluable for establishing
updated and productive beliefs and ways of acting.
But when rational thinking becomes excessive, it
blocks us from having a more complete understanding
of the world.
Just as sunglasses that are too dark can
interfere with the experience of viewing a flower
garden, rational thinking can hinder our overall
experience of the world by causing us to view the
world based more on labels instead of what the labels
represent. Both can act like filters that cause us to
miss part of the whole experience, which also
includes being in touch with the feelings of others
and ourselves.
In addition, when reasoning is based on
inaccurate, incomplete, or distorted
information--which can easily happen--it fools us
into producing faulty conclusions that cause more
problems. To act as though our thinking is nearly
flawless can provide us with a comforting sense of
virtue, but an important challenge for each of us is
to enhance our understanding by becoming aware of the
flaws in our thinking. Like any valuable tool,
rational thinking needs to be used carefully, so it
doesn't upset the balance of a more complete
understanding.
The eastern mystic G. I. Gurdjieff spoke of this
first ingredient to loving when he stated, "Knowledge
by itself does not give understanding. Understanding
is the resultant of knowledge and being . . . it
appears only when a man feels and senses what is
connected with the knowledge" (Ouspensky, 1965). I
would also add that this process of understanding
needs to be repeatedly examined for deficiencies and
updated, so we can continue to grow instead of
getting stuck in erroneous beliefs and ways of
thinking.
We can love only to the extent that we
understand who we direct it towards. Understanding is
where real love starts, and the way to increase love
begins with seeking greater understanding. Whenever
we have a problem in loving, we also have an
excellent opportunity to increase our understanding!
RESPECT
The next essential ingredient for love is
respect, which means to know a person and then value
him or her for being a unique individual. It also
means valuing people as they are, even though they
may not meet our standards.
If we supposedly respect people and yet try to
change them, what we are really showing is that, in
some way, we don't respect them as they are.
Furthermore, people who think they are inadequate
will interpret efforts to change them as proof of
their inadequacy. For these reasons, even if we're
attempting to help someone change for his or her own
good, it needs to be done cautiously, while conveying
a respect for the person as an inherently worthy
individual.
Author Kurt Vonnegut (1987) proposed that "love"
is too strong a word, and because of all the
confusion and problems associated with this word, it
should be replaced by the word "respect." As an
example he altered the commandant of Jesus, "Ye shall
love one another," to read as "Ye shall respect one
another." He clarified the difference by saying that
though we may not be able to love our neighbors (or
always be able to love one's spouse), we can still
respect them; but if respect is missing, then hatred
easily takes its place.
Vonnegut further suggested that the word
"respect" is usually less threatening and
confusing--it doesn't have the hidden implications
that "love" sometimes does; "I respect you" implies
more unconditional acceptance with fewer strings
attached. Often when people are supposedly "loving"
in an intimate relationship, rather than practicing
real love they are mostly hoping to have the other
person fulfill their own needs. The possibility of
such underlying expectations causes some people,
especially those who have a healthy self-reliance, to
react with skepticism when told "I love you."
Respect is essential for loving. If we lack true
respect for others as they are, then regardless of
how much we think we love them, it's only an illusion
of love. However, this doesn't mean that we should
refrain from expressing disagreement with those we
love; doing so would be hiding our inner selves and
denying both parties a valuable resource for
increased understanding. But when we disagree,
especially with those we supposedly love, we need to
do it in a manner that shows we still value and care
for them as they are. In this way greater love is
promoted.
Although Vonnegut's proposal for replacing the
word "love" with the word "respect" is unlikely to
happen on a large scale, we can still promote respect
as a vital ingredient for loving.
ACTIVE CARING
The third essential ingredient for love is
active caring, which is directing our energy in a way
that fosters the well-being and inner growth of the
person being loved. The need for such caring might at
first seem to be too obvious, but what is sometimes
portrayed as caring often becomes restrictive and
oppressive--and at times even destructive.
Supposedly because they care, people sometimes
will try to change another person into what they
think is best. But often their concerns are based on
hidden, self-centered motives, rather than the
ultimate welfare of the other person. Then when the
attempt to change the person doesn't work,
manipulation and punishment may be used. Sometimes
this behavior will escalate into hostility and
violence.
Examples of such coercion based on a
self-centered concern cover a broad range. A mate
whose attempts at changing his or her partner fail,
and then he or she resorts to harsher efforts in a
further attempt to alter the other person. Often
these efforts cause injury to the partner's spirit,
and sometimes bodily injury as well. The tragic
result of such self-centered, manipulative behavior
is shown by the alarming statistics of widespread
domestic violence.
Another example is the overzealous religious or
political believers who try to change others to their
way of thinking. If the change doesn't happen, they
sometimes resort to suppressing those who refuse to
conform, often leading to appalling violence.
Stalin's Russian purges, the United States' war
against the American Indian, the "Shining Path"
communist movement in Peru, the Vietnam War, the
terrorist activity of Islamic fanatics, and the
violent segment of the anti-abortion movement are
some extreme manifestations of this suppression due
to a self-centered concern.
Whenever caring inhibits another person's (or
people's) well-being and growth, then it isn't really
love, but manipulation in which a deep understanding
and respect for the other person is missing. The
caring of real love enhances the person being loved,
and is not done primarily to fulfill the needs of the
giver.
Such caring requires frequent examination of our
true motives and the influence of our caring on the
other person. This multifaceted examination is part
of what makes loving so complex and challenging.
Becoming aware of our hidden motives, and evaluating
if our actions are really better for someone, is a
difficult and ongoing process that requires conscious
effort and commitment.
FORMS OF LOVE
As there is confusion about the ingredients of
love, there is also confusion about its different
forms. There are five basic forms of love: fraternal,
nurturing, sexual, friendship, and of oneself.
THE FOUNDATION
Despite how familiar this may seem, it still
remains true: if we do not love ourselves, we will
be unable to genuinely love others--self-love is the
foundation we need to build upon. Thus, the ancient
Greek maxim, "Know Thyself," speaks of an essential
undertaking necessary for developing love. In knowing
ourselves better, we are more able to understand
others, which consequently increases our ability to
love.
The differences of people and cultures can seem
enormous when we view them on a superficial level.
However, if we closely examine the basic, significant
needs and problems of all people, we will find that
we are much more alike than we previously thought.
Besides the basic necessities for living, each of us
needs to share with others and feel like we belong,
and we need to feel we are respected and valued.
Because the basic qualities that make us human also
make us fundamentally similar, through understanding
ourselves we learn about the essence of all people.
In doing so we begin to build the unifying
connections of respect and caring for other people.
Knowing ourselves is vital, and it requires that
we be aware of the different aspects of ourselves
that can add to our sense of "wholeness," as well as
those aspects that can cause us problems. We need to
be in touch with our abilities to think and feel, to
appreciate and share; if we're not, then we're
missing out on things that can add to our humanity
and make us more complete. To develop these abilities
is to fulfill our inner potential for living, or what
psychologist Abraham Maslow (1968) termed
"self-actualization."
All of us have aspects of our personalities of
which we aren't aware. One tool we can use to know
ourselves better is a concept called "The Johari
Window" (Luft, 1969). This is an imaginary window
composed of four sections, each representing a view
of ourselves in which our qualities are either seen
or not seen, by others and ourselves.
___________________________________
| | |
| | |
| Section # 1 | Section # 2 |
| | |
| Open | Secret |
| | |
|________________|________________|
| | |
| | |
| Section # 3 | Section # 4 |
| | |
| Blind | Buried |
| | |
|________________|________________|
What the sections of the Johari Window represent:
#1 - Open: the aspect of ourselves that we are aware
of, and which is open for others to see. We are
willing and able to share this information with
others. Personal interests and accomplishments are
big parts of this aspect.
#2 - Secret: the private aspect of ourselves that we
are aware of, but others don't see. We either cannot
or will not show people this aspect, so it stays
secret to us. Usually this aspect contains many
negative thoughts and feelings. Revealing more of
this concealed aspect--opening up--is important to
reaching our potential.
#3 - Blind: the aspect of ourselves that we can't
see, but which others readily see. Our body language
messages and flawed rationality, and how we affect
other people, are frequently much more obvious to
others than to ourselves. When others take the risk
to tell us about this aspect of ourselves, they are
giving us valuable information to use in our struggle
for personal growth. We depend on others to risk
telling us this information, but we can use it only
if we are open enough to use it constructively.
#4 - Buried: the aspect of ourselves that lies deep
within, unknown to both ourselves and others. Being
open will help us learn about this aspect, and
consequently help to develop our hidden assets and
overcome the strife that is buried inside. Yet this
aspect can never be fully known, nor does it need to
be for us to live well.
All of us have aspects of which we aren't aware,
including those that could benefit us more if we
shared them. Building loving relationships involves
becoming more aware of these different aspects, and
using the "Johari Window" can help us distinguish
them. To promote effective personal change, we need
to recognize what is true about ourselves--otherwise
we will suffer the consequences of living in a
private darkness.
Understanding ourselves is the essential
foundation for love, upon which we can build a
healthy layer of self-respect that leads us to care
for ourselves. Asking relevant questions about our
thoughts, feelings, and actions plays an important
role in increasing self-knowledge. However, because
we have limitations in the ability to see ourselves,
we can accelerate this process by having a capable
person or group bring to our attention those aspects
that we can't adequately see by ourselves.
NEGATIVE FOCUSING
One problem people often experience when they
examine themselves is the tendency to focus on their
negative traits. Although we need to be open to the
truth about ourselves and our problems, focusing too
much on the negative can quickly decrease our
confidence and hinder our ability to use our positive
aspects.
The key to balancing our self-examination is to
be aware of the aspects we need to change, while not
condemning ourselves as inadequate or less worthy
because we're not perfect. We use self-examination to
discover our flaws, but then we need to focus on
developing our positive abilities to put in place of
those flaws.
SELFISHNESS
Unfortunately, due to misconceptions about those
who are seen as excessively selfish or as having a
"superiority complex," loving oneself is sometimes
viewed unfavorably.
Most psychologists would probably agree that
people who are too selfish or who act as if they are
superior are usually compensating for a lack of real
love for themselves. The behavior of such people is
usually motivated by a hidden inner conviction of
personal inadequacy and unworthiness. They are
concerned mainly with trying to escape this
underlying negative conviction, but they don't
understand how to fulfill their deepest inner needs
or how to respond to the needs of others.
Rather than loving themselves too much, selfish
people are actually suffering from the inability to
love themselves and others well enough. They have
difficulty in giving because their lives are covertly
dominated by fears of being inadequate and unworthy.
Since they give little of themselves, they
consequently have little in their lives that is truly
fulfilling.
The longshoreman and philosopher Eric Hoffer
(1968) wrote that a basic problem is people do follow
the command of Jesus to "Love thy neighbor as
thyself," but most people have a lack of love for
themselves. Correlating to this command, Jesus also
said "The Kingdom of God is within"; reason tells us
that God is in this kingdom, and therefore inside
each of us. We are fulfilling what Jesus really asked
of us when we love the supreme being that is inside
us, and then extend that same kind of respectful love
to our neighbors.
A fundamental task for all people is to develop
the understanding that will enable them to respect
and care for themselves unconditionally. Then they
can develop the ability to care for others in ways
that create lasting love and fulfillment.
SELFLESSNESS AND LOVE
When people have not developed the ability to
love, it's a sign that there is some aspect of
self-love missing. However, people can appear to be
very giving, but still be lacking in self-love. At
first such people may seem to be filled with much
love, demonstrated by generous giving for the benefit
of others. Often though, they eventually end up
giving so much that they feel drained and depressed,
unable to continue this giving. From a quick or
casual observation they may seem to be genuinely
unselfish in giving of themselves. But if we go
deeper, we may also find they are compensating for
hidden feelings of unworthiness by trying to gain the
approval or love of others with their generous
giving. Moreover, they frequently fear that if they
reduce their giving, they will lose the love,
approval, and sense of self-worth they have gained
through their sacrifices.
The basis for such giving is actually a lack of
understanding and respect for themselves, which leads
to not being able to appropriately care for
themselves. Then like anything not properly cared
for, they eventually break down due to insufficient
care in maintaining themselves.
An example of this unhealthy giving is the mate
or parent who gives so much, and shows such
inadequate respect for his or her self, that the
partner or child ends up not treating the person with
respect. Instead, the recipient often builds up a
mixture of resentment and guilt which surfaces in
disrespectful and uncaring actions that increase the
feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness in the giver.
This pattern usually continues in a vicious, downward
cycle until the giving person breaks the cycle by
taking effective action to help themselves.
Another example is the political or social
activists who give a great deal of time to their
causes, but disregard their personal lives which
could have provided an important source of
rejuvenation. Then they eventually become too worn
down and frustrated, partly because they have
neglected this important part of their lives.
Real love is not manifested by excessive
selfishness or selflessness, but by a healthy balance
of giving and receiving that enhances those affected
by it. This balance is difficult to sustain, and it
requires an ongoing effort.
FRATERNAL LOVE
The fraternal or "brotherly" form of love
originates from understanding others on a group
basis. When we go beyond the superficial differences
in people, we can come to identify with their basic
qualities of being human; then as we learn to love
ourselves, we will also be more able to love all
people because of our ability to identify with them.
If we are really loving we will include
everyone, as "brothers and sisters," in our love. A
person whose love is based on a deep understanding
will be unable to exclude people because of their
class, race, religion, or nationality. By examining
which people we exclude from our respect and concern,
we have another way to evaluate our love, and also a
way to find valuable opportunities for expanding our
understanding.
Like other forms of love, though, the fraternal
form can prove to be difficult and complex. One
problem related to this form has become increasingly
controversial: sometimes in fraternal love the effort
to help our "brothers and sisters" fosters an
unhealthy dependence. Instead of helping people to
grow and develop their abilities, such dependency
reduces their confidence and self-esteem. One example
occurs when a government welfare program gives
assistance to people without helping them learn to
become more self-sufficient. Another example is when
a private charity provides free food and shelter
without asking the recipients to in some way make a
contribution to improving their lives or community.
In both examples the potential for expanded
dependency and diminished self-respect is increased.
Although this dilemma does seem to be recognized
more often now, the resources to help people gain
self-sufficiency appear to have declined in
comparison to the increasing need. Many people would
like to decrease public assistance for those in need,
supposedly to reduce the negative side effects of
dependency. Yet rather than being an honest attempt
to help reduce dependence, often the wish to cut this
public assistance is a rationalization for decreasing
their contribution to building a better and more
balanced society. Instead of simply reducing
assistance to people in need, respect and caring can
be better demonstrated by promoting the resources
that help people learn the skills for improving their
conditions.
Unfortunately there is no simple answer to this
complex social and economic problem. Any solution
needs to be evaluated for its overall effect on both
the individuals being helped and the society as a
whole. Nevertheless, helping people so they can help
themselves is both economically and socially more
beneficial in the long run than neglecting the
problem or just offering short term relief.
NURTURING LOVE
This form of love differs from the fraternal
form in that it's more personal. Instead of an
understanding on a group basis, the nurturing person
understands, due to a much more intimate
relationship, that the receiver's basic nature is the
same as his or her own nature.
Nurturing love from parents is the basis from
which children learn to love themselves, other
people, and life. Children learn to imitate the way
their parent figures care for them and others, and
from these models they also learn whether or not
people and life are to be valued. Good parental
models instill a sense of self-worth, compassion, and
appreciation for life into children.
Ultimately parental nurturing is expanded to its
utmost when parents foster their children's
self-reliance and independence. In doing so children
gain greater self-confidence and strength in dealing
with the problems of life. But the process of
children becoming independent can be very difficult
for parents, because it in essence means that the
children are leaving the parents.
As can happen in any type of helping
relationship, parents can be too helpful or
dominating. Then instead of building self-confidence
and independence, they unwittingly encourage the
children to remain overly dependent and not develop
their full capabilities. Such inappropriate
dependence is promoted when parents do something for
a child that the child could benefit from doing or
from learning to do. Although the child's development
could be enhanced by performing the activity, the
parents do it for the child to make themselves feel
good. Furthermore, parents usually aren't even
conscious of this personal inner motivation for being
overly helpful.
Children need to learn to deal with the small
decisions and responsibilities that are part of
everyday life. When parents too often find solutions
for a child's difficulties, they are preventing the
child from learning to deal with problems. A frequent
challenge in nurturing love, as with all love, is
determining what is excessive and if it is
interfering with growth; doing so requires a
commitment to frequent evaluations of our actions and
their effects.
Sometimes problems increase when parents
inordinately demand that their expectations be
fulfilled by their children. A manifestation of this
situation happens when parents insist that a child
must meet their expectations, or else the parents
will no longer love the child. Examples of such
conditional love occur when children go against the
wishes of their parents relating to clothes,
companions, school, marriage, religion, or
career--and then the parents withdraw their love.
This withdrawal is more than just denying the child
an allowance, use of a car, watching T.V., or some
other privilege. While the withdrawal may include
denying the child these things, the really damaging
withdrawal is treating the child with a lack of
respect and caring.
Though nurturing love is essential to good
parenting, it isn't limited to parents; a person just
needs to be nurturing to someone who is personally
known. Then it must be done in such a way that leads
the other person to grow. Thus, this love is also a
part of a well-rounded, healthy person's loving.
Real love helps people become both more
self-reliant and caring, with increased confidence in
their ability to live well. The potential problems
in active caring--which can result in increased
dependence or oppression--make loving complex and
challenging. To reduce these problems requires that
we be open and examine both the real reasons we are
giving or trying to help, and the ultimate effect our
actions have on the recipient.
THE GREAT DECEIVER
The most misunderstood and confusing form of
love is the sexual form. Besides the involvement of
sexuality, it differs from the other forms in that it
eliminates from our loving everyone except the sexual
partner.
Though this love is very intimate, it's an
intimacy that can easily be superficial and
self-serving. In a sexual relationship we can quickly
feel we know the other person, and we may even feel a
spiritual connection. Usually called "falling in
love," this experience should be more realisticly
referred to as falling into infatuation--a strong and
unreasoning, transitory attachment that is just an
illusion of love.
The anticipation and fulfillment of a sexual
relationship can be very exciting and pleasurable,
and the desire to be close to a person can be easily
misinterpreted as love. But instead of love, it is
really a bond we feel as a result of receiving
pleasure and anticipating further pleasure. There is
nothing actually wrong with this bond itself, and in
many situations it's very beneficial for both
partners. The benefits of this bond are the
underlying premise for Masters and Johnson's book,
"The Pleasure Bond." However, we need to be aware
that instead of being a love based on caring for
others, this bond is more of an informal business
agreement involving pleasure.
The confusion about sexual love has caused some
people to think that a relationship which is
primarily sexual can't be really loving. In most
relationships that are primarily based on sex, this
is usually true. But if a person has a healthy
self-love and is capable of fraternal and nurturing
love, then he or she may be able to truly respect and
care for a relatively unknown sexual partner. While
this is possible, it is also difficult; relationships
that are mainly sexual are very susceptible to the
deceptions and hidden motives which create a high
risk for causing grief. In addition, pursuing sexual
relationships reduces the number of more well-rounded
relationships a person can maintain. A relationship
that is based mainly on sex can be loving, but it
requires exceptional honesty and maturity on the part
of both partners.
There is also a crucial distinction about a
primarily sexual relationship in which the partners
also love in the fraternal and nurturing forms. In
such a relationship, if one person no longer wants to
continue the sexual relationship, then because they
are loving, both partners will still demonstrate
respect for each other by trying not to damage the
other person's overall well-being. The person who
loses the sexual relationship will often go through a
grieving process, but the way in which the grief is
dealt with nevertheless reflects respect for the
other person.
A person who really loves another will still
love him or her even when the sexual relationship no
longer exists. The deeper understanding from the
person's fraternal and nurturing love continues to
sustain the respect and caring, even though the
sexual aspect changes.
However, when a relationship is based on just
the illusion of sexual love and one person learns
that his or her partner no longer wants the sexual
relationship, the reaction is often harmful. The
rejected person frequently will behave in an uncaring
or disrespectful way towards the other person. This
is the conditional love of "If you don't meet my
desires, I won't respect or care about you."
Sometimes in this type of relationship the person who
is rejected will progress to acts of violence because
his (usually it is the male) desires are not being
fulfilled.
Although at times a negative reaction may stem
from the surprise and shock produced by the loss of a
sexual relationship, if a person continues to react
with harmful behavior it shows that his or her
relationship really wasn't based on an understanding
and concern for the other person. Instead, it
indicates that the relationship was based on the
satisfaction of self-centered desires. When those
desires are no longer met there is little caring
left, because the central care was that the sexual
desires continued to be fulfilled.
Sexual love is the initial motivation that leads
most people to love deeply. However, a continued
emphasis on it can lead to a life of disillusionment
and emptiness. Sometimes people move on to real love
as a result of that unhappiness, but frequently they
become stuck, unable to grow beyond the illusions
that often accompany sexuality.
While sexual love is a wonderful part of living
that can add to the wholeness of being alive, it's
not very effective for providing us with the deeper
benefits that well-rounded and more inclusive love
can provide. On the other hand, if this sexual aspect
is viewed as bad or evil, we are likely to miss one
of the great experiences of life. Furthermore, if
sexuality is repressed too much, it often shows up
eventually in hidden forms which result in perplexing
counter-productive behaviors.
The key to understanding sexual love is in not
confusing its illusion of deep love with the more
mature forms of love. Again, this requires that we
make an ongoing effort to be aware of our motivations
and the true needs of the person we are loving.
FRIENDSHIP
Another form of love is the friendship between
people who know one another on a personal basis and
on relatively equal terms. In such friendship is the
unifying acceptance found in fraternal love, as well
as some nurturing love. Because of the mutual
understanding and respect between loving friends,
independence and spiritual growth is readily
promoted. Yet this friendship can seem paradoxical
and full of difficulties, as the following quotes
indicate:
"The rule of friendship means there should be mutual
sympathy between them, each supplying what the other
lacks and trying to benefit the other, always using
friendly and sincere words."
Buddha
"The more we love our friends, the less we flatter
them; it is by excusing nothing that pure love shows
itself."
Moliere
"It is not so much our friends' help that helps as
the confidence of their help."
Epicurus
"A true friend is somebody who can make us do what
we can."
Emerson
"Friendship improves happiness and abates misery,
by the doubling of our joy and the dividing of
our grief."
Cicero
"The condition which high friendship demands is the
ability to do without it."
Thoreau
It has been said that if a person has one true
friend in a lifetime, then he or she is lucky. True
friends are indeed infrequent, but they are the
result of much more than luck. Friendship results
when people combine the ingredients of love, using
awareness and patience in a commitment to continuing
their relationship.
The highest opportunity to love occurs when we
are not infatuated, and when we are giving without
trying to get something in return. This excludes the
times when we experience the passionate feelings of
"being in love." It also excludes the times when we
think we love someone because of our desire for him
or her. Rather than being based on a deep
understanding, respect, and concern for the other
person, these two situations actually are attempts to
satisfy our own needs and fill the emptiness of our
lives. If the feelings in this "needy loving" were
stripped away, it would resemble a business
transaction: "I'll give to you, providing that you
give me what I want." The transaction of real love is
"I give because of my love for you, and if you choose
not to give back, I'll still love you."
The utmost love that can result from this
opportunity is demonstrated by an understanding and
respect that is realistic and clear of infatuation.
Caring is then done for the benefit of the other
without the exhilarating anticipation that our
desires will be met.
A CLOSE UNION
A further opportunity for deep love occurs
between two very intimate, yet relatively independent
and self-sufficient people. This opportunity is
commonly known as marriage--not necessarily the legal
definition of the relationship, but rather the
definition meaning "a close union," with the added
connotation of a mutual commitment to sustaining that
union.
Marriage is really a combination of the
ingredients of loving in a complex and constantly
evolving relationship that integrates the different
forms of love. The healthiest marriages occur when
the partners care for each other in a manner that
fosters mutual growth, which also means that they
share with each other--in a way that conveys
respect--their problems, including those related to
the other person. This enables each person to become
stronger and more able to enjoy life, and the
strength and joy in turn reinforces the marriage. The
caring isn't due to intense, passionate feelings of
love, but comes from a profound understanding and
respect that is grounded in a healthy self-love. The
greatest opportunity in marriage for the
demonstration of deep love happens when the partners
aren't blinded or motivated by feelings of passion,
and when they aren't trying to compensate for a lack
of self-love.
Although marriage is a good opportunity to love,
it does create practical limitations on how many
others we can love directly. As with everything,
there are always trade-offs. We need to realize that
we can extend ourselves only so far; it isn't
realistic to say that with real love there are no
limitations to how many people we can actively care
for. We only have so much time and energy, and that
which we spend to make a marriage successful can't be
spent on other relationships. But rather than
reducing the power of love, this realistic view makes
it more feasible and within our reach, and thus can
encourage us to develop our loving.
Yet marriage doesn't really increase or decrease
the total amount that we love--it alters the
direction of it. Though some may not have or wish the
opportunity of marriage, the power that comes from
love causes the lack of a marriage partner to be of
little consequence to how much people actually love.
Not having a mate doesn't reduce the amount of loving
people are capable of; it only changes who receives
their love. Those who are truly loving will continue
to actively care for others and themselves even if
they don't have a mate. The opportunities for the
fraternal, nurturing, and friendship forms of love
are still extensive without marriage. More important
than having a mate is striving to develop the ability
to love.
LOVING INDIRECTLY
If loving is actively doing something that
promotes the well-being and development of others,
then how do we love those with whom we have no direct
connection? The saying, "If you're not part of the
solution, you're part of the problem," is relevant to
this question. People who are loving realize that
everyone has connections with each other, though
these connections are often not readily visible. The
science of physics is even confirming these
connections through the new theories that have
emerged in the study of quantum mechanics.
Each minor action of ours has a minuscule,
ripple-like effect on others far removed from us. A
small expression of our love can add a small positive
fraction to another person's accumulated experiences
of love received from others. The accumulation of
such loving experiences can then stimulate that
person to make a small positive contribution to yet
another person, creating the same accumulative,
positive influence that he or she experienced and
then passed on to another person. It's similar to the
accumulative effect of waves washing against a jagged
shore, eventually creating a beautiful bay with an
inviting beach; seeing the bay can then enhance our
appreciation of nature and cause us to care for the
environment far from the waves and shore that helped
to shape our concern. Our caring can then subtly
influence someone else, far from the original waves,
to also care for the environment.
Small, seemingly insignificant actions of love
can have a wide range, from giving some brief
assistance to someone in need, to simply giving a
friendly smile or kind word to a stranger. But when
our small actions are multiplied over a lifetime,
their influence is likewise multiplied.
We affect many others in ways that are beyond
our ability to see. We may not directly affect those
with whom we have no direct connections, and we may
not be able to see how we affect the world as a
whole--yet through the interwoven connections of
life, our actions either make the world a little
better or a little worse. Each of us can indirectly
promote the growth and well-being of all people by
radiating awareness, respect, and caring through our
conduct, and by doing so we will send ripples of love
through the world. We are either part of the solution
or part of the problem, and it's up to us to choose
which part we play.
Questions we can ask ourselves about love:
1. Do I value myself for being the complex person
that I am? Do I acknowledge my various negative
aspects without rejecting myself? How do I
express respect and caring for myself, and
build upon my inner potential? What could I do
to improve on each of these?
2. How well do I really know the people I love? How
much do I respect them, and how do I show this
respect? Do I care for them because I need them
or want them to fulfill my desires?
3. What is my response if those I love no longer
meet my desires? Do I still respect and care
for them, or do I react with disrespect or
hostility?
4. How does my love for others enrich their lives
and encourage their growth? Does it produce
more love or does it predominantly cause
negative effects to myself and others?
Suggestions for further reading:
"Why Marriages Fail or Succeed--And How You
Can Make Yours Last
by John Gottman
Note: If you are looking for a book to use in
improving a committed, intimate relationship,
in my opinion this is the best.
"A Conscious Person's Guide to Relationships"
by Ken Keyes
"Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?"
by Jordan and Margaret Paul
"Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment"
by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks
"Making Love Work"
by Zev Wanderer & Erika Fabian
"Love and Addiction"
by Stanton Peele
Copyright 2001 by Keith L. Kendrick
E-mail: awaken@teleport.com
Url: :http://www.inner-growth.com
http://home.teleport.com/~awaken/lifebook.htm