"He that studies only men, will get the body of
             knowledge without the soul; and he that studies 
             only books, the soul without the body. He that 
             to what he sees, adds calm observation, and to 
             what he reads, reflection, is on the right 
             road to knowledge, provided that in 
             scrutinizing the hearts of others, he first 
             concentrates on his own."
                                           Charles Colton
          
          
            "The pursuit of the Inner Child has taken 
             over at a time when most people need to be 
             figuring out how to use their Inner Adult."
                                           Robert Hughes
          
                                 5.
                      TOOLS FOR SORTING IT OUT
          
              When sailing, up-to-date equipment can make 
          our voyage easier and more likely to succeed.
          Similarly, we can use concepts from contemporary
          psychology as tools to assist us in living better.
              In 1951 Dr. Wilder Penfield, a neurosurgeon,
          made an amazing discovery while using local
          anesthesia on a patient who was awake (Penfield,
          1952). When he touched certain areas of the patient's
          brain with a probe, he elicited in the patient mental
          replays of childhood experiences.  These replays of
          supposedly forgotten experiences from long ago even
          included the feelings that accompanied the
          experiences. The replays of sad experiences made the
          patient feel like crying and replays of happy ones
          made him feel like smiling or laughing.
              This discovery of childhood experiences and
          feelings that are stored deep within people,
          available for replay when stimulated, later led the
          pioneering psychiatrist Dr. Eric Berne (1964) to
          develop the concept of the ego states. He knew that
          in each person there is an extensive storage of
          mental experiences and data, along with the
          associated feelings and a collection of mental and
          physical response patterns. Berne then determined
          that these aspects formed to produce three distinct
          states of being in a person, which he called the ego
          states of the Child, Adult, and Parent. In addition,
          he realized that what makes up these ego states is
          stored like huge libraries of tape recordings, ready
          to be played back not only when the brain is touched
          by a surgeon's probe, but also when stimulated by our
          current environment. When something in our
          environment causes one of these tapes to play, Berne
          called this "pushing our buttons."
              Unlike tape recordings, though, these mental
          tapes are permanent and unerasable, and are stored in
          our ego states. Because the last tapes to be recorded
          are of our Adult, from the beginning our Child and
          Parent tapes overshadow them. Therefore the Child and
          Parent tapes often prevail over Adult tapes, even
          when an Adult tape might be more appropriate.
              Often we may know how we should live, but
          despite this knowledge, we keep living the same old
          way--because the desire to change by itself is not
          enough to overcome the playing of our old,
          inappropriate tapes. Our Child and Parent tapes are
          always present and are played involuntarily, so more
          is required in order to make real changes from our
          old routines.
              Although these mental recordings aren't
          erasable, there is an important positive aspect to
          how they work: we can create new, more appropriate
          and beneficial tapes to add to our supply, and these
          new tapes can then be substituted for undesirable
          tapes. When we use such new tapes in place of
          unhelpful old ones, we take greater control of our
          lives by responding in more productive ways. Also,
          doing this will in turn create more desirable
          feelings within ourselves, because when we improve
          the thoughts and actions we respond with, we will
          also improve our feelings.
              The three ego states exist inside us
          simultaneously, but only one is dominant at a time.
          While it's easy to view one of the ego states as
          being superior to the others (and in different
          situations one of them usually is more appropriate),
          we need to use all three in a healthy balance that
          promotes a well-rounded wholeness. The excessive
          repression of any one ego state will create an
          imbalance, as if some aspect of oneself is missing,
          that can lead to disharmony. It is necessary for us
          to learn to use all three ego states to our
          advantage, because each has a valuable part in making
          us happy and whole.
          
         THE EGO STATES: THE CHILD
              The Child exists as a permanent recording of our
          inner experiences which were responses to external
          circumstances in childhood. This is a mixture of
          perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and urges we
          experienced as children, which can return at any time
          just as they were when we were children. The Child
          ego state is valuable because in it are such positive
          and constructive qualities as curiosity, creativity,
          and feelings of joy and happiness. But also rooted in
          the Child are negative feelings such as anger, fear,
          and sadness, along with such manipulative or
          self-centered behaviors as excessive compliance,
          useless complaining, and pointless rebellion. 
          Another Child trait that causes many problems is
          impulsiveness; in limited amounts it can add
          considerably to our lives, but when not controlled
          sufficiently it can quickly cause much difficulty.
              Our Child is a valuable part of us that needs to
          be directed and managed so we can function
          effectively. Though we may often know how we should
          live, we can suddenly have our Child pop up and take
          control with its old tapes of recurring thoughts and
          feelings which cause us to act in conflict with what
          we know and really desire. Having this happen is like
          being possessed by something inside us that we don't
          understand and can't control. We can easily remain at
          the mercy of this ego state unless we learn to
          substitute more appropriate tapes to take the place
          of its outdated tapes.
              For Child tapes to suddenly replay doesn't
          require that we remember or be aware of them--the
          Child just needs to have its "buttons pushed" by some
          external situation. If we want to change how we
          respond to these situations, then we need to be aware
          of our inappropriate Child tapes and what "pushes our
          buttons" for them to play. Once we recognize these
          old tapes and what triggers them to replay, we need
          to create new tapes to use in place of the old ones.
              A new tape is a new mental and physical response
          we consciously create (in the Adult ego state) from
          updated and more sound information.  In this response
          are the new thoughts and ways of thinking, as well as
          ways of behaving, that we prefer and have decided to
          use. When we recognize either something that "pushes
          our buttons" or the playing of an old undesirable
          tape, we need to use the new tape, consisting of our
          new response, to override the old one.
              Being aware of when our Child tapes are playing,
          as well as what causes them to play, is essential to
          this process of substitution. One way to determine if
          we are in the Child ego state is to ask ourselves
          what feelings occur repeatedly in our lives. If we
          can trace such feelings to as far back as we can
          remember, then when we are having them is probably
          when we are in our Child state. These old, recurring
          feelings are part of our Child tapes, and we can
          learn more about these tapes by identifying what
          thoughts usually accompany the old feelings (these
          thoughts are another part of our Child tapes). This
          method of introspection can help us recognize our
          Child state and its tapes, which then gives us more
          power to evaluate and choose what is appropriate.
              We can also enhance our lives by promoting
          the Child's creativity and joyfulness. To do this we
          need to become more aware of these qualities when
          they begin to appear in us, as well as how they have
          been hindered by family and cultural influences.
              During childhood most of us are told not to act
          with such abandon and joy, and unconventional
          thinking is often discouraged. Such prohibitions
          become Parent tapes that stifle our spontaneity and
          joy, and steer us away from creative thinking; these
          inclinations are then carried with us into adulthood.
          As a result our creative, spontaneous, and joyful
          aspects are inhibited.  When we recognize outdated
          prohibitions interfering with our Child's beneficial
          aspects, we need to leave these prohibitions behind
          by putting in their place new tapes that encourage
          the positive aspects of our Child.
          
          THE PARENT
              This ego state contains the unedited recordings
          of our parent figures' behaviors, judgements, and
          rules; when these tapes play, we are imitating our
          parent figures. These recordings include all the do
          and don't messages, must and should messages, and
          methods of dealing with problems that we picked up in
          childhood from parent and authority figures. It's
          very significant that our Parent tapes also contain
          the inconsistencies and flaws of such authority
          figures. Like the Child's recordings, the Parent's
          recordings are permanent and always available for
          replay.
              The Parent, as with the other ego states,
          has positive and negative aspects. In the Parent is
          the basis for the fundamental morals and nurturing
          qualities that form the backbone of healthy families
          and societies. However, the Parent can also be overly
          critical and controlling, hampering our ability to
          grow and experience happiness, as well as causing us
          to be too critical and dominating towards others.
              As with our Child tapes, being aware of when our
          Parent tapes are playing is essential. A way to
          determine when we are acting from our Parent ego
          state and its tapes is to list all the things we
          liked and disliked about our childhood parent
          figures. Especially important to list is how they
          treated themselves and others, and how they dealt
          with problems. The things on the list that we can
          also see in ourselves--the positive and the
          negative--are traits of our Parent tapes. When we
          express such traits, we are probably in the Parent
          ego state.
              Once we learn to recognize when we are in the
          Parent state and exhibiting any of its old tapes, we
          can evaluate if these tapes are the best response for
          a situation. We may need to substitute a new, updated
          tape that alters the amount of criticism, nurturing,
          or controlling we exhibit towards ourselves and
          others.
              When the Parent ego state is too dominant and
          prevents the Adult and Child from playing their
          appropriate functions, people experience the feeling
          of being locked in rigid and narrow roles. These
          people actually are locked within such roles, but to
          get out of them they must realize that the roles are
          based on their own preconceptions that originated in
          childhood. Once they recognize these self-limiting
          preconceptions (from old tapes), they can break away
          from them and create new tapes that support their
          real capabilities and options.
          
          THE ADULT
              This ego state is the most objective, and
          consequently the least emotional and moralistic part
          of us. Its function is information gathering and
          processing, and in this capacity it makes rational
          decisions based on factual information from the
          world. An important and frequently under-used role of
          the Adult is in evaluating our Child and Parent
          tapes, and deciding if these are still appropriate or
          if they should be replaced by new tapes. Although the
          Adult is without passionate convictions and doesn't
          have the creativity or empathy that is needed in some
          aspects of life, it's essential for reasoning and
          decision making.
              The Adult is also the part of us that examines
          old decisions and beliefs about ourselves and the
          world, and then forms new ones when the old ones are
          outdated. These new decisions and beliefs become part
          of the new tapes that we use to substitute for the
          old tapes we no longer desire.
              Like the other ego states, the adult needs
          to be used in a healthy balance. If our Adult is too
          dominant it can excessively suppress the Child and
          Parent ego states, causing problems in relating to
          people on an emotional and nurturing level (making us
          appear cold and without empathy, like Mr. Spock in
          Star Trek). In addition, if our Adult is too strong
          it can create a disabling indecisiveness caused by
          the continual evaluation of information without ever
          reaching a conclusion.
              If the Adult is not used adequately, old
          thoughts, feelings, and behaviors will recur with
          little restraint, and we are likely to feel
          controlled by them. When this happens there is also a
          danger of becoming stuck in outdated beliefs and ways
          of thinking and acting that inhibit our development.
          
          SORTING IT OUT
              Usually the Child and Parent ego states are
          formed mainly in the first five years of life, and
          the Adult gradually begins to develop after the first
          year. Because of the early formation of these ego
          states, they become blended together and the
          resulting composite makes it difficult to distinguish
          the ego states that frequently underlie our actions.
          Most people have had the experience of feeling as
          though they are a combination of different
          personalities, and that sometimes one of these
          personalities will suddenly seem to take over. This
          experience is actually a manifestation of the ability
          of a different ego state to suddenly become dominant
          when its "buttons are pushed."
              In Britain, psychotherapy is sometimes
          called "sorting it out," referring to the process in
          which people become aware of their different aspects
          and learn to use them more effectively.  This process
          is comparable to becoming aware of our Child, Parent,
          and Adult ego states, and then regulating and using
          them more appropriately.  However, the concept and
          terminology of these ego states establishes clear,
          distinguishing features that we can use as powerful
          "tools" in identifying and working with our different
          aspects. These "tools" will also enable us to better
          understand and deal productively with other people.
          
          HECKLING BY THE PARENT
              Three widespread conditions to being human that
          interfere with being happy and developing our
          potential are self-doubt, self-condemnation, and
          guilt. In terms of the ego states these conditions
          are considered to be when a person's Parent ego state
          is bullying the person with the critical, restrictive
          put-downs and limitations of "can not," "should not,"
          and "should of" statements. Because such statements
          are learned during childhood, they become so      ingrained in our thinking that they seem like a
          natural part of us which involuntarily plays as tapes
          from our Parent.
              Sometimes these statements can prevent us from
          doing things that would be detrimental.  Examples are
          found in the teaching of morals and the ways of
          protecting oneself from harm. But many times the
          statements in our Parent tapes are inaccurate and
          unnecessarily limiting, and when such tapes
          spontaneously play they incapacitate our Adult while
          our Child suffers from needless remorse, anxiety, and
          sometimes depression. A broad example is when we are
          told in childhood that we couldn't or shouldn't do
          something, but this is based on flawed information or
          reasoning.
          
              Yet we can counter our self-critical Parent
          statements and their negative effects. First we need
          to be aware of when such tapes play and how they
          effect us. Then we can create new Adult tapes to put
          in place of the unwanted Parent tapes. These new
          tapes are made from more realistic, up-to-date
          beliefs and thoughts that affirm our ability to be
          rational along with our right to be free of unhelpful
          self-criticism and useless negative feelings. Then
          when we notice a critical, self-defeating Parent tape
          playing, we can substitute the new Adult tape. By
          doing so we reduce the unhelpful interference from
          our Parent, while freeing our Child and Adult to
          contribute their positive aspects.
          
          BARRIERS TO COMMUNICATION
              Which ego state we are in has a significant
          bearing on the effectiveness of our communication.
          Sometimes when two people are talking to each other,
          it may seem as if there's some invisible barrier
          preventing them from achieving a productive
          understanding. This problem often occurs because one
          or both of them is not in the Adult ego state, which
          is important for effective two-way communication of
          rational thoughts. If a person is trying to
          communicate factual information, the communication
          will probably fall short if either he or she, or the
          recipient is too contaminated by rigid Parent
          dictates or unhelpful Child feelings.
              Efforts to get across rational information in a
          mutually agreeable manner are more difficult, and
          often futile, if one party's ability to handle
          information rationally is being contaminated by the
          Child or Parent ego state.  Trying to continue the
          communication frequently just makes the situation
          worse; moving another person into the Adult state is
          difficult and stressful, and attempts at coercion
          usually produce more resistance.
              If we are in the rational, dispassionate Adult
          ego state and discover that who we are talking to is
          not, it's usually better to wait for a better time to
          talk. If we have little alternative but to continue
          the conversation, then it becomes imperative that we
          talk to the person in such a way that promotes the
          emergence of his or her Adult state. This is best
          done by maintaining ourselves in the Adult state and
          remaining uncontaminated by the emotions and flawed
          judgements of our own Child and Parent.
              Usually though, if possible it's better to wait
          and attempt the communication when the other person
          is more likely to be in the Adult ego state. Once a
          person's rationality is hampered by the Child or
          Parent ego state, reasoning isn't very effective in
          producing positive change.  Furthermore, it's very
          easy for us to unconsciously become contaminated by
          our own Child or Parent. To remain in the Adult state
          while trying to communicate with someone who isn't
          requires tremendous awareness and discipline. In my
          personal life I have attempted to do this many times,
          and it often has resulted in a negative outcome.
          
          THE POWER OF OBSERVATION
              A simple but valuable process can help us
          use the concept of ego states. Though similar to the
          Eastern concept of mindfulness, this process is more
          self-focused; I call it "detached personal
          observation." In this process we enlarge our
          perception of what is going on with ourselves by
          taking the time to observe ourselves--we interrupt
          our thinking and mentally step back to look at
          ourselves as if we are objectively examining another
          person. Then while doing this we try to identify what
          we are thinking and feeling. By observing our body
          language and becoming aware of our thoughts and
          emotions, we can try to determine which ego state we
          are in and what tapes are playing.
              Using this process can be difficult at
          first, but the more we practice it the easier it will
          become. A tendency is to use detached observation to
          reflect on past situations. While doing so will give
          us a better understanding of what has happened, using
          this process on past situations does little to change
          what we are doing now.
              The real power in detached personal observation
          emerges when we use it at the same time that one of
          the ego states is causing a problem. If we are
          feeling angry or depressed, or acting excessively
          nurturing, authoritarian, or childlike, then using
          this process immediately helps to put us into our
          Adult ego state. This in turn enhances our ability to
          implement updated tapes consisting of sounder
          thoughts and more appropriate actions. The process
          can seem almost magical in the transformation it
          produces; by observing ourselves, we spontaneously
          become the more objective and rational Adult.
              The effect of this process is even substantiated
          in quantum physics, in which Heisberg's Uncertainty
          Principle affirms that when we become an observer, we
          change what we observe. Accordingly, we automatically
          change ourselves through the process of
          self-observation. The logic behind this correlation
          is quite sensible: in changing from being unaware of
          our automatic programming (old tapes) to being an
          observer of it, we spontaneously alter our
          programming and gain greater control in choosing our
          thoughts and actions (new tapes). Doing this will
          also change how we feel, because changing our
          programming invariably changes our thoughts and
          actions, which then affects our feelings.
              But there can also be problems from being in the
          Adult ego state too much: we can become bogged down
          in excessive reasoning that isolates us from more
          fully experiencing what we are thinking about. In
          addition, excessive use of the Adult can cause us to
          miss out on the benefits of the other ego states. If
          such problems occur, we need to deliberately search
          for and use the positive aspects of our Child and
          Parent. The Parent can be used to limit how long we
          evaluate a situation, and the Child can be drawn upon
          to discover joy and contentment. However, because of
          the reasoning power of the Adult, for people to do
          this by themselves is difficult--a person's thinking
          can create the trap of trying to reason one's way out
          of reasoning. Zen Buddhist monks sometimes overcome
          this problem, but even they have teachers to guide
          them.
              Yet regardless of our situation, by creating a
          new tape consisting of "detached personal
          observation" we can build the underlying foundation
          for adding other new tapes and making our lives
          happier and more fulfilled. As with developing other
          abilities, after understanding the fundamentals we
          can increase our ability to use this process through
          regular practice. And as we increase our
          understanding and our ability to "sort it out," the
          rewards will grow.
          
          
          Questions we can ask ourselves:
          
          1.  When am I in each of the three ego states? How
              does being in each of them create problems for 
              me? When does being in each of them enrich my 
              life?
          
          2.  What new tapes (consciously chosen, updated
              responses) would I like to create as substitutes
              for outdated and inappropriate tapes from my 
              past? How can I envision an old tape popping
              up and then substituting a new one? How do I 
              envision encountering something that "pushes
              my buttons" and then using my new tape before 
              an old one plays?
          
          3.  How can I use detached personal observation to
              expand my awareness and gain self-control? When 
              might my old deep fears and hurts (Child tapes), 
              or old rules and judgements (Parent tapes) 
              interrupt using detached personal observation?
          
          4.  What aspects of the Child, Parent, and Adult
              would I like to encourage and benefit from?
              What things could I do to promote the 
              development of these aspects?